How do we move forward after loss?

How do we move forward after loss?

How do we even begin to carry on after loss?

This is a statement that I’ve heard so often. I have tried to figure this out so many times but of course there is no formula. How do we take that first step in all the confusion and darkness?

Questions that came to me very quickly after losing Christian was; What about in 20 or 30 years time? What am I going to do? How am I going to be able to survive? How am I going to be able to live? What about tomorrow? As I write this it takes me straight back to that night, the days after… 

The sheer panic engulfed my whole being, consumed me. Nothing or no one could have prepared me for this. I felt numb and my whole being was in deep shock. My body was vibrating on the inside the whole time. I was unable to stand up for any length of time, couldn’t go out and I couldn’t break down in the “ normal” sense. Someone said to me that it’s ok to cry… but I couldn’t…. I do believe that my body protected me but at the same time my body got so damaged by holding on. My heart was so painful as if it was going to break, it felt like I was going to die of a broken heart. Remember saying that I could believe how you can die of a broken heart. 

The blackness and the emptiness was so present, like it was just screaming at me with its echoes of what I had lost. 

Looking back to those early times I’m so grateful for my spiritual journey. It sustained me and ended being that hope of a possible future. As a child I was fascinated by what happens to us when we die, what happens to our soul. I was only maybe 6 years old having these deep thoughts and conversationswith my mum in the evenings. Not in a morbid way but one of curiosity. As I got older I read numerous books about near death experiences and regression. My beliefs have been deeply engraved in me so I do believe that my journey has prepared me to be able to live through this pain and to find strength to find a new life that I can find meaning in.

So how about how to carry on?

Well, for me to begin with was to get out of bed. I got dressed “for Christian”.  It was like a ritual that did subconsciously. Another thing was that I just lived minute by minute, hour by hour. This is something that I do even now but maybe more day by day. It’s hard for me to plan ahead and in some ways I’m grateful for living in the moment. It has taught me that if I take small steps every day, even the very smallest step, I move forward. When I look back over the past three years I realise how far this has taken me. It would have been impossible for me to get here if I had looked to the future to see myself now. Too big a mountain to climb.

All I can say to anyone that needs to hear this is that allow yourself to take steps, however small. One at a time.

Sending love and strength ✨